The List

More and more lately I’ve been thinking about what it means to be in a relationship, which is why I decided to write this blog to solidify and sort out my ideas.  I have been working through my own experiences and I’ve talked to people who long to be in a relationship but have a list of criteria  and others who enjoy their simplistic partnership.

I’ve never had a list of criteria, I’ve never had a type, I’ve never really thought that much about it to be honest, but now I’m considering my list, what I want my partner to be like.

In a partnership, I think there should be changes made by each person because whether you are married or best friends, in any personal relationship there will always be little annoyances or problems that have to be worked through.  Nothing huge or extensive, just little things and that’s ok.   If both people were identical, that would be pretty boring. . .As long as there is communication, it’s totally fine.  Both partners should feel completely comfortable talking about anything to each other, that is something I cherish and value.

There is a problem if you have to sacrifice too much of yourself, change who you are to suit that person, which I have experienced in the past and I won’t relinquish any part of myself for any future partner again.

As I was walking through my list, I thought about what people typically first mention, physical attributes. . . . I couldn’t think of any.  Of course there are physical attributes I’m more attracted to, I love green eyes, tall, in shape, dark hair, but eye color wouldn’t make me not want to date someone, height doesn’t make a man, race is unimportant, hair color is just as moot as eye color.  Really I have no list of physical traits, I could care less about what a person looks like because I know if I click with them, then I will be physically attracted to them so why waste type putting myself in a box with a physical definition of a man when their personality is what truly matters?

The next on most lists is what is their job.  Really, as long as they are employed and motivated that’s all that’s important.  There has to be a responsibility for bills that is necessary and a hope for a financially stable position in life.  Having a lot of money isn’t important, it is how responsibly you manage your money, I guess that’s a good way to describe it.

The most important thing on my list for a partner is to be respectful.

1. They must respect themselves, find value in themselves.  I think it could be very negative being with someone who doesn’t love themselves.  Not only will they not be able to give the care you need, but when someone has confidence in themselves, that is a very attractive quality.  They know they are a wonderful creation, a beautiful miracle on this planet.

2. They must respect other.  If I’m with someone who can’t value others, that speaks volumes about their character and I don’t think any more needs to be explained on this particular topic.

3. They must respect me.  I want to be cared for as much as I care for them, I would have a desire for them to be as excited as I am.  Since rediscovering myself and my self worth, I know I won’t settle, I know I won’t find myself in a bad situation again.  I will be exceptionally proud of my partner, I will be with someone who is interesting and charming, responsible and respectful, someone who can take care of me but accept me as the independent woman I am and someone who can communicate with me about anything, even if it’s something about me that is a bit annoying. 🙂

I will be elated they are by my side in life and show them off!  I know that might sound like a weird statement, show them off, but at this point in my life I feel even more secure in who I am as a woman.  When I find a partner, I know it will be a positive choice in my life, they will be an incredible person who I will be more than happy to show to the world.  I am exceptionally demonstrative in any relationship, whether it is friend, family or dating because I’m like an excitable puppy!  I love people who I chose to be around and are excited to share my love of them to whoever I meet.  I can’t help it! 🙂

So that is my list.  My list and my promise to myself to never lose myself and find someone who will value me as I value them.

♥ Meggie

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Second Thoughts and Letting Go

What do you do in that moment when you start second guessing yourself? Part of you feels as though you’re being unreasonable, there are all these signs, moment that simply prove you wrong. How dare you over think, over analyze this!

However there is this feeling, something from deep inside of you, like a small ember starting to burn, of self doubt. This horrible creeping fear that you are actually wrong, you shouldn’t have trusted, you shouldn’t have believed this.

Thats the problem with us, we sometime lose ourselves in our fear. We let that ember grow into a raging inferno and it completely negates the positive moment we’re in. Why do we sabotage ourselves like this?

That’s a question I always ask myself, just like I’m doing right at this very instant. I don’t know why I over think things. Sometimes I’m just so incredibly afraid that I’m wrong, that this is simply too good to be true, that what I have, that moment that I’m in, it’s not as real for the other person as it is for me.

I’ve always been anxious, I’ve always worried, but when it came to relationships with the people around me, that was never a concern of mine. I was always able to trust without fear, without second thoughts. I think this is just one of the remnants if what I had to go through because I always knew he wanted other girls, that he was constantly looking, that he never cared about me therefore it was always a concern. I could never trust him, especially when he told me he only wanted me. When you hear that so many times, the words just become empty, no matter who says them. My biggest fear is to be lied to by someone I care about, I would prefer anything in the entire world rather than being lied to.

So right now, blogging on my phone, in an apartment that isn’t mine, I am suddenly gripped by this fear and I hate it. I want to trust like before and I know that will happen again, eventually, but until then, this is frustrating. So maybe by sharing my thoughts, writing them as I experience them, I can silence my busy mind and release my tension, anxiety and second thoughts.

The first thing to do, well the first thing I always do when I feel any negative emotion, fear, sadness, anxiety, nervousness, is acknowledge what I’m feeling. I don’t ignore it, I don’t pretend its not happening. I open my self up to it and take a second to think why am I feeling this way? Is it really what I should be feeling? To be honest most of the time that answer is no and at that moment I it let go. If that doesn’t work, I write it down, more of physical release rather than a mental one.

So now it’s time to let go and enjoy my evening. Thanks for listening!

Meggie

Next!

So as many know my boyfriend just left me.  He had been deported in November and I stuck with him through everything.  I did research, found lawyers, requested his file and supported and loved him with all of my heart.  That was 6 months ago.  He said he loved me and two days later he said he was done because he goes out and meets people and doesn’t want to hurt me.  So basically he left me to get with other women.  I mean I guess it is good he didn’t cheat on me, but it is still a rotten thing to do, especially when he lectured me before he left about me finding someone else & that he would never do that and he wanted me forever.  To add insult to injury, when he had the chance to say it to my face via video chat, he was a coward and choose not to and just talk over chat claiming it would be too hard for both of us, which isn’t true.

I was so heartbroken I didn’t know what to do.  I had loved him so much and stuck with him through his deportation when most women would stay away from that relationship because they couldn’t deal with not knowing when or if he’d return, but I did.  I loved him without end and tried to do everything to make sure we were still connected.  I sent him photos and emailed him literally all day with messages of my life and asking about his, but he kept his new life a secret.  I finally was getting my video chat working on my computer and was looking forward to that and I was going to surprise him with my passport meaning I’d be down to visit soon.  Then he just decides after promising to love me forever that he wants to get with other women.  What’s worse is that he keeps calling it a break.

Anyways, as you can probably tell I am still mad in a way, I guess mostly mad at myself for believing him when there were signs that I questioned before this moment, that I had discussed with friends, but I thought I’d ignore them because maybe he had changed from his past that was littered with arrests & police visits.

I truly feel bad for him, the life he has led and the choices he mad to deal with it have turned him into a very cold, distant, unemotional person, and I feel sorry for him.  How can you love someone or yourself when no one has ever loved you?  Without me, he really has no one to help him get home, his own family isn’t even helping him and that honestly breaks my heart.  Not only that, he was brought over when he was 2 by parents who are legal residents, they just never got him all of his paperwork.  How could you do that to your child?

I’m ok though.  In my past, I have mentioned this before, I have struggled with the addiction of self-harm & eating problems (not out of wanting to lose weight, but just out of the need to control something) and I have not fallen back into those habits.  Not only that, I know I’m a catch and I know that sounds cocky, but I am an educated, passionate, loving young woman who has an amazing future in front of me.  As I said before, there is a very small percentage of women who would stay with a man with such baggage & who was being deported, but I did and no other women who he gets with could do that, even if they say they could, saying and doing are two very different things.

Trust me, I know I have my problems, I am nowhere near perfect at all.  I do have a lot  of things that I need to fix about myself and some of that does stem from my past of self-harm.  That demon keeps popping up, calling my name, but overall I think I am a good person and I do care a lot.  I know that I am a catch and I am worth love.  I loved him with all of my heart and if he wants to drop me for some other girls, that shows the man he is, especially if he can’t even say it to my face and would rather hide behind a computer screen, so really this is his loss not mine.

My friends are amazing people who kept me grounded and helped me through the worst times of this.  He started by saying it was a break then eventually, after a week of leading me on said yea there is another girl, then there wasn’t and I discovered other things he lied about when we were together so with each new truth was a new hurt and a new set of tears, but with each set of tears came a new set of hugs from the amazing people I have in my life and I don’t know what I would do without their support.

In a way, I am glad I hurt too because that means I am capable of loving someone.  I put my entire heart and soul into whatever I do so when I said I loved him, I did, with all of my heart, the purest form of love is what I felt and I know he can’t feel that, which just makes me sad for him.

I am strong and confident and I can jump any hurdle in my life, so I’ll move on and he’ll see what he has lost.  Next!

♥ Meggie

The Call

First of all, HAPPY NEW YEAR and day 1 of 2013!  I hope this year brings you all joy and happiness!

On Sunday, I saw I had 2 missed called so I call the number back, but it says it’s not available.  I get another call from this same number so I pick it up and was going to be so mad if it was a sales call!  I hate getting those on my cell phone and a voice answers my grumpy hello.  Then I ask who is this because it seemed like the person on the other end knew who I was!  I don’t know anyone from a 566 area code, I have no idea who’s calling me and wasting my time with a sales pitch!

Then the voice says “You know who it is you dork!” and I just stopped and asked who it is again, I thought I knew but I had to make sure.  The next thing that was said made me freeze, it was my boyfriend.  It has been one month and a day since he was deported and I hadn’t heard him since then.

I was so shocked, I didn’t know what to feel, I was just blank and I had no idea what to say, this was such a surprise!  I just kept saying hello like there was something wrong with me, that’s all my brain could think of to say, that and Oh My God.  I have a thousand things I want to tell him everyday and I thought of everything and all I could say was hello.

Then out of nowhere I started crying because I was so happy, I was still so surprised and overwhelmed by everything, it’s like I didnt’ even know I was crying at first.  He laughed and we talked for a bit, he said everyone drive motorcycles and he was saving up for one and I said no you are not because they’re too dangerous.  He doesn’t even wear a seatbelt, I can’t expect him to wear a helmet! 

I get so worried sometimes because he doesn’t have the same thinking as I do, I look at long-term effects like I don’t smoke because it could cause cancer down the road and other severe health problems, I wear a seatbelt because a driver could hit me or I could make a mistake and cause an accident, I always am looking at possible outcomes to be as safe as I can and keep myself in good health and he just goes and does things without thinking of the possible negative outcomes and it absolutely drives me nuts.  I worry a lot about everything, but so much about him since I love him and he knows all of my nagging is in love.  I think it does annoy him sometimes, but I think he likes it too in a way, because someone is actually taking the time to argue with him about something that could keep him safe and healthy because they care.  I nagged him about the fireworks too, I don’t want him blowing his hand off, he’s a barber, he needs his hands, and I nagged him about eating less fried food because I don’t want him having a heart attack and he laughed, I really do think part of him likes that I worry this much about him.

He told me more about Mexico and it was so nice to just hear his voice and it made me so happy.  He asked me how I was and normally I have a million things to tell him and talk to him about, but I couldn’t think of one.  The only thing I was thinking about was how happy I was to hear his voice.

When I first started dating him, you could see the life he had, you could see the anger and coldness and how closed off he was to everyone.  He had friends, a lot of friends, but you could see in his eyes that he had a hard childhood, a hard life.  Just from looking in his eyes I could see all the potential he had and how that was not put to use because no one told him that, no one was strict enough or pushed him enough when he was a kid to pursue an education or anything positive, you could even hear it in his voice, but his eyes, I’ve seen that look in other people and it makes me want to cry thinking about it, when people grow up in families like that, with friends like that.  Some people you can tell, they will never change, they will never amount to anything, they will never have that switch go off and say I can’t keep living like this.  Unfortunately that is life and some people can’t be helped and that’s what I’ve had to learn, especially with what I want my career to be.  In others however, that switch can click and that’s also what I saw in him, which is why I stayed because I knew he could become a better man, one that could eventually provide for a family and mature.

Now he’s different, he’s changed so much and I’m so proud of him.  His eyes are so much softer now, that coldness is gone, that wall he put up to protect himself from all of the hurt he grew up with, whether he admits it or not, is starting to come down.  He laughs more, he laughs more freely, he smiles more, at everything.  He makes really really stupid jokes but laughs anyway making me laugh and he quotes shows he watches like The Simpsons which I don’t watch so I have no idea what in the world he’s talking about and smiles and laughs.  He seems happy, really, truly happy, less angry, less distant, you can hear it in his voice.  I love his laugh.  I love his smile.  He has the most beautiful eyes.

I was so happy to get that call from him, to hear his voice.  I really can’t wait to see him again and see where our life takes us.

The Wedding!

I went to my cousin’s wedding yesterday and it was so lovely.  They had the ceremony at a country club that his wife’s father was a member at and I was just amazed!  I had never been to a place that fancy in my life and it was a really beautiful wedding!

I spent most of the night dancing.  It turns out his wife knew some of the people I used to hang out with in high school.  They go to community college together and are in theater!  I used to do theater in high school, not acting but as a techie.  I did built and painted sets, did props, costumes and the lighting.  One of my friends who was an actor in high school I find out now knows how to swing dance and knows the Charleston!  I haven’t danced like that in about a year and I miss it so much!! 

I went to this bar/club last year, which was small but if you show up an hour before they technically open you pay the cover charge and get an hour lesson on swing dancing and then dance the rest of the night!  It was so much fun!  I really wish my boyfriend could’ve been there with me.  I am completely determined to teach him swing dancing since he is completely incapable of dancing! lol  I’ve asked and he said he would learn, he’ll do anything to make me happy, except get rid of his dreads! lol

It was such an amazing day, seeing family I haven’t seen in a very long time and dancing and the venue was so incredible!  Sometimes I wish I could have that much money to have an amazing place like that to have my wedding, haha, but I have always planned a small one, just a few close people, nothing big.

I found out that my cousin and his wife had been dating for less than a year before getting married and that was surprising!  The way they looked at each other, you could tell they were completely in love and you can’t put a time limit on that.  She is just as quirky and offbeat as he is, not caring what others think of them and always putting themselves in the spotlight and not to mention she is just drop dead gorgeous!

I hope one day I’ll have a wedding and I know it will be just as amazing because as long as you are completely in love with the other person nothing else matters.  With the situation my boyfriend is in and his deportation, I find myself thinking a lot farther into the future in our relationship, more than I’d like to.  I like to take things slowly and its been only a year and two months since we’ve been dating and I met him for the first time just about a month before that but I’m thinking about what would we do if we got married and a source of income and where are we going to live.  I think when we get him home he’d live in Chicago with me, but he always talks about living in New Orleans because he loves it there and that worries me.  I’m excited to go to Mexico, but I want to do my nonprofit work here and I know this sounds so selfish, but I’m going to lose years in Mexico to get him home and after that I want to live in Chicago, forever with my family and my work.  It’s just so much to think about and it’s so soon in a relationship, it’s very overwhelming!

Life always throws you curveball and this is just one that I’m learning to catch.  I’m so excited fo changes in my life and I’m adapting very well, at least I hope! 😀  I’m so happy for my cousin, him and his wife look so good together and they love each other so much!  She is so sweet, I was so happy to meet her!  So congrats to my cousin and I hope he and his wife have an eternity of happiness!

Also, Happy New Years Eve to everyone!  I hope the New Year throws you curve balls that swing beautiful happiness into your life!

Must Find Soon-To-Be-Wed Couple!

On the 21st of December, the day the world was going to end my friend and I decided to go downtown to Chicago and ended up in Millennium Park.  We took so many photographs of the bean, which always seems to get so much attention for being something so simple.  Then we went to look at the ice skaters and I saw a couple on the ice just standing there.  I thought it would be so cool to get a photo of the young man proposing to his girl.

Then I looked a way for a second and felt my friend hitting me and screaming “Meggie look!”  The young man was down on his knee and cheers began erupting as skaters started to gather in a circle around the couple and I started taking photo after photo!   My friend and I were screaming which brought everyone by the bean over to the edge over looking the ice rink.  Then everything got quiet, it seemed like even the city itself quieted down in anticipation for her answer and then cheers erupted as he stood up and they kissed!  She said yes!  It was so cute!

In this midst of all this, it never occurred to me to go down there and ask them for an email address so I could send the photos I took.  I’d want someone to do that if I was getting proposed to!  The photo below is my favorite that I took. 

It hit me yesterday, why not use social media?  I have already Tweeted my request so now I turn to the blog community!  You don’t need to Tweet the entire blog, I’m not looking for views I just want this photo and my contact information out there so that if this photo does end up finding them, they can ask for the photos if they want.

I would love to find them and send them the photos I took!  So I’m asking anyone, especially if you live in the Chicago area, if you could post this on Twitter or Facebook and you can have them reach me at my email megsphotos67@gmail.com.  This took place Friday, December 21st 2012 late at night, probably sometime after 8 I’m guessing.  I know this is a long shot, but why not try?  😀

Thank you, thank you, thank you to anyone who can help me!

The ProposalI knee

My Illegal Love

So for those of you who haven’t read my last blog about my amazing trip to the Signature Room, I said it was my last day with my boyfriend.  Yesterday I saw him for 20 minutes or so, he gave me a card with the sweetest message and a beautiful silver necklace with two small rings on it, one with his birthstone and one with mine.  I cried.

The reason why it was my last day was not because we are breaking up, we are still very much together the only problem is today he had to get on a plane to go to Mexico City because he has been deported.

He came into this country legally since he was brought over when he was about 3 years old.  His parents are both legal permanent residents and his siblings natural-born citizens.  He was born in Mexico, lived with his grandparents for a few years and then his parents came back for him after filing the proper paper work to return to Mexico and bring a child back into the United States.  The problem is that paper work only stated that they came back with a child, not specifically his name and also his parents just didn’t pursue any other paperwork to make him a resident or citizen.   They had this responsibility to him until he was 18 at which time he is no longer legally bound to them.  He didn’t pursue residency either.

His parents make me angry, he knows this and I feel bad because it’s not my life and not my parents, but it was something so easy to do, the U.S. isn’t going to deny residency to a child, especially when his parents are legally here.  Why would you bring a child back and not take care of them?  They are your child and your responsibility, you are supposed to love them like that.  He frustrates me sometimes since he could’ve done a lot of things in his life differently.  His parents never gave him any guidance so he’s made some mistakes.  To me that is partly his parents fault for their lack of involvement in his life but those are also his decisions.  These mistakes prevented him from applying for Deferred Action.

By the time I met him, he was trying to change his life around.  If he hadn’t been, there’s not way I would’ve stayed.  It was a really hard relationship to be in at first, our morals and values were so different, he didn’t treat women like I thought a man should (nothing awful, just never ever listening to me), he never try to get me home on time, he frustrated me beyond belief with so many more things, but that was all better than the place he had been before I met him.  I know I’m being vague, but some personal things aren’t meant for the Internet.

Right now though, he’s so different, his eyes are softer and he smiles more.  He used to have this look, it was a look that you see in someone who trusts no one even though they say they do, it’s that look of fear and anger and emotional distance.  Now he’ll laugh for no reason, he’ll quote T.V. shows and make goofy comments.  His eyes just light up when he smiles and that never used to happen.  Before his eyes were separate from his smile.

So I’m just waiting to hear from him now.  He left this morning and his plane should’ve already landed, I’m just waiting and worrying.  I’m planning to go down to Mexico a year from now.  I have to finish school and get the money together and find a job where I can help my parents pay my student loans, which are very small compared to others.  I’m going to get him home legally.

The worst part is not knowing how long that’s going to take, I don’t know when all the applications are going to go through or even if they are.  For those of you who are wondering, we’re not getting married, we will think about that when he is home legally first, so he’s not using me for a green card.  The worst part for me is I’m really going to miss being close to my family.  That was in my life plan, move out but not too far.  My mom has some medical problems that worry me and I want to be close for that and for Holidays and Birthdays and weekend visits.  I just hope everything goes smoothly and we can figure something out.  It’s so scary not knowing what is going to happen.

My life has turned into what feels like a Lifetime movie, it’s not what I planned at all.  I wanted the wedding in my mid-20s a job that could support a family, then kids and to work with nonprofits.  Now I’m dating a man whose past is something I never thought I’d have say my boyfriend had (I was thinking more of a college graduate business professional maybe?  Someone who’d get a 6 figure job so I could stay at home with the kids and volunteer and be active in the community and things like that, just like my parents are) and now he has been deported to Mexico and I’m not sure when he’ll be home.  It’s very scary but we can get through it, if we have survived everything we’ve been through already, then this is just the next step in our lives together.  We support each other and will find someone way to make everything work.  It’s what we always do and why we care about each other so much and make each other so happy.