There are just so many things I want to write about, just to get them down, challenges and wonderful times, both equally as important in my life.
My ex emailed me about 2 weeks ago. I forgot he had my email address to be quite honest. I blocked him on Facebook, never have my skype up anymore so I thought there was no way he could get in contact with me, but I forgot about email. It scared me, made me anxious, stressed me out, really impacted me more than I expected. I reached out immediately to 2 close friends and that temporarily helped.
I responded. I shouldn’t have, but I did. I fell right back into that mode, the mode of being a submissive woman, a woman terrified by the outcome of her words for fear of an angry response. I had a rough weekend after that, he confirmed exceptionally hurtful things, things I already knew, I knew he was looking for women the entire time he was there but the fact that he confirmed it just really hurt.
The following week, I had to get away. I just needed a break, some time to myself to find myself again, find my strength and tell myself once more he has no control over me and I don’t have to act like this anymore. I talked to the guy I have been seeing and asked if he wanted to go with me. I decided to drive up to Wisconsin for the day to the Dells area. I have been going up there since I was little, it’s my second home. I don’t stay in the Dells itself, I never do anything there to be quite honest. I love the hiking and nature and emptiness. Places like those are where I find myself again.
It was an incredible day. I think he enjoyed it just as much as I did and I absolutely loved showing him everything. We hiked and climbed rocks, drove, listened to music. He found this amazing bar to get some food at. We smiled and laughed. I found myself again. All anxiety melted away and I was done with stressing over someone who hurt me. It was an absolutely incredible day.
It’s so strange, the treatment is so different. The guy I’m seeing now, he respects me and takes care of me at the same time without making me feel useless. It’s always these little things, he’s always doing little things for me and I love that so much. When I spend time with him and I tell friends about it, I can tell them I am happy and actually mean it. I can tell them he respects me and not lie about it. I can trust him and I haven’t been able to do that before. He’s seen me at my worst and at my best in such a short period of time and that hasn’t scared him away yet! lol I’m moving on in my life which I thought would be hard, but it’s not hard at all when you’re moving on from someone who never respected you or your body.
What I love about being around him the most is that he challenges me. He constantly introduces me to new experiences and ideas, ways of thinking which I love. He is unapologetically himself all the time and that is the most attractive thing about him. I think that’s hard to find in a person at times because we tend to mold ourselves to society and if you’re with a person overly dominant, you mold yourself to what they want. Nothing stops him, ever. He is always thinking about the most random ideas, always saying the most interesting things so there’s never a dull moment around him. Being around him is this wonderfully invigorating experience, simply addictive with his charm and wit. Anyone he meets would be captivated by his energy and passion for the world around him.
That fact that things are going well between us makes me incredibly happy and I do feel beyond lucky to have him in my life, especially right now when things get hard. Last night we were watching T.V. together, nothing special but I knew I had to go soon which I always hate. Just looking at him it was almost like I was in a dream, like how could this possibly be real, as corny as this sounds, he’s so amazing. I thought my last relationship was one of love and respect when it wasn’t at all, and now I go from that to being treated like a princess. It’s been a long time since I’ve not had to fight for attention or not trust, I feel like I’m in high school around my first crush! haha Every time I see him I have butterflies, my heart races when he holds my hand or looks at me and give me that cute half-smile of his.
I still don’t know where this is going exactly. Sometimes I wish I did, sometimes I wish he’d just tell me, look me in my eyes and tell me, but for the most part, I don’t mind the adventure, that’s ok with me. I adore my time around him in whatever capacity it is. I always feel safe around him and that’s the most important thing. I am safe.
So that was my last two weeks in a nutshell. I feel as though my healing will soon be complete. I know there will be challenges and bumps along the way, but I know I can get through them, I know I am strong enough and I have an incredible support system if I ever feel too weak to go it alone.
I have not only risen from my ashes, but have found someone who, at least right now, in this moment, can join me on the adventure of my life.