What do you do in that moment when you start second guessing yourself? Part of you feels as though you’re being unreasonable, there are all these signs, moment that simply prove you wrong. How dare you over think, over analyze this!
However there is this feeling, something from deep inside of you, like a small ember starting to burn, of self doubt. This horrible creeping fear that you are actually wrong, you shouldn’t have trusted, you shouldn’t have believed this.
Thats the problem with us, we sometime lose ourselves in our fear. We let that ember grow into a raging inferno and it completely negates the positive moment we’re in. Why do we sabotage ourselves like this?
That’s a question I always ask myself, just like I’m doing right at this very instant. I don’t know why I over think things. Sometimes I’m just so incredibly afraid that I’m wrong, that this is simply too good to be true, that what I have, that moment that I’m in, it’s not as real for the other person as it is for me.
I’ve always been anxious, I’ve always worried, but when it came to relationships with the people around me, that was never a concern of mine. I was always able to trust without fear, without second thoughts. I think this is just one of the remnants if what I had to go through because I always knew he wanted other girls, that he was constantly looking, that he never cared about me therefore it was always a concern. I could never trust him, especially when he told me he only wanted me. When you hear that so many times, the words just become empty, no matter who says them. My biggest fear is to be lied to by someone I care about, I would prefer anything in the entire world rather than being lied to.
So right now, blogging on my phone, in an apartment that isn’t mine, I am suddenly gripped by this fear and I hate it. I want to trust like before and I know that will happen again, eventually, but until then, this is frustrating. So maybe by sharing my thoughts, writing them as I experience them, I can silence my busy mind and release my tension, anxiety and second thoughts.
The first thing to do, well the first thing I always do when I feel any negative emotion, fear, sadness, anxiety, nervousness, is acknowledge what I’m feeling. I don’t ignore it, I don’t pretend its not happening. I open my self up to it and take a second to think why am I feeling this way? Is it really what I should be feeling? To be honest most of the time that answer is no and at that moment I it let go. If that doesn’t work, I write it down, more of physical release rather than a mental one.
So now it’s time to let go and enjoy my evening. Thanks for listening!