The day I wrote my love letter, revised my love letter to myself was a day of change. That day marked the moment I return to my body, when my soul found its light.
In the past 2 years, my soul has dimmed to an ember, only to burn slightly when stroked by my few passions. My work with WAR or Mutual Ground, those moments would breathe life back into my body, a temporary fix to a never-ending problem.
The problem was me losing myself and I didn’t even know it. I lived a life of happiness only defined by the fake stories I shared with the world, the stories of perfection I painted in bright vivid colors that dazzled all who heard my sliver tongue lie lie lie lie lie. I’ve always been a good liar, something I had to learn as a child was unacceptable. Apparently now, I’ve become such a good liar that every sweet fake truth that dripped from my mouth sent me into the poisonous world I had created for everyone else to see. What I wanted to be true was what I was seeing. That world would never exist, no matter how much love I put in to build it.
I have slowly been rebuilding myself and have been doing incredibly well. Not quite a phoenix for the flames, that metaphor is too often used and too majestic, more like the remodeling of a house. Nice to look at from the outside, but the inside needs work and those repairs take time. Last week though, last week it was just one of those “Ah ha!” moments, the moment when all those interior projects piece themselves together to look like something amazing, a moment that shocked your system like a punch, hard, quick and lethal, complete with stars and birds twittering about your head. Sometimes that punch hurts, but it gets the job done. I mean you sometimes have to use that sledge hammer to get the wall down before you can finish the job. It shook me out of what was left of my daze and snapped my soul back into place, sending light through my body.
Now I can breathe without this weight on my chest, let my lungs fill with dreams, hope, confidence and faith that I had stored away. I am dying to travel, just get out of here, take a road, any road and go west. Experience things I haven’t before, to go out on one of those metaphorical limbs, the highest one I can find and hang upside down just to get a different perspective of life. My world has shifted back, my world is untainted by the lies which hung from every inch of my being, my world is light.
I have the urge to go out to nowhere and just camp, camp on top of the earth and underneath the stars. I want the insects and birds to sing me to sleep, the breath of the earth to tousle my hair, the remaining kisses from the sun to warm my body, the moon and star light to dance upon my skin.
I want to drive upon a road I have never been on, winding up into the mountains or dead ending at the ocean, flat and fast on the prairie, hot and untouched in the desert. I want to talk to people I don’t know, meet new people in new places, see small towns, get away from this big city. I want to dance and sing my way through my life as I had done before, dreams pulling me forward, lessons pushing me from the past.
Again, once more, I want the world, therefore I shall take it.