I haven’t written in months. MONTHS. Since November 1st, I checked. Since then, my life has literally flipped upside down and at times it’s felt like I have been torn in two. Over 3 weeks ago, maybe a month ago, my boyfriend left me, again (6th time we’ve broken up) and I was finally ok with that. I was ready to be done for good. He left me to pursue other women in Mexico, though he would deny that. I know that’s the truth though. Even after he left, his Facebook just exploded with women, some barely clothed. Class act right there.
I went downstairs after he told me by making up some terrible excuse about how he wasn’t good for me and never loved me but wanted to. I cried to my mom. I told her everything that I had been trying to keep a secret due to the fact that both my parents never liked him. I took the next day off work. I was sick to begin with and staying up till 4am didn’t help. So that Monday I was home, I was sad and that was ok. To be honest, I just wanted to be sad. I wanted to cry, mope, and binge on cookies and again, that was ok because I knew the next day I’d pick myself up, get back to my life and be done with this entire mess I had gotten myself into.
No matter how much I smiled, no matter how much I told everyone how amazing my relationship was, it wasn’t. He never treated me right, never treated me how a man should treat a woman. I was with a man who never respected me, never cared for me and definitely never respected my boundaries in any way and I kept coming back to him. I couldn’t leave, if I loved him enough, he would stop treating me like he was. If I loved him, he would change, so I felt like I didn’t love him enough.
I guess part of me was also embarrassed. I was embarrassed because I work with human trafficking, I work with domestic abuse, sexual assault, I hear stories of women in bad relationships, relationships where they are hurt, not physically but other ways and I didn’t want to believe I was in one of those. I wouldn’t call him abusive, but not healthy is a better description. It’s not like he knew any better, he never had role models at home, he wasn’t hitting me so that is better treatment than what he had grown up with. I never wanted to abandon him like everyone else, his family, his friends, everyone and I didn’t want to do that to him too.
But he left me.
To be perfectly honest, I was angry. I was angry he led me on for 2 years of my life, I was angry because, though I did make mistakes as does everyone, I was good to him, I took care of him and I loved him.
Now, I’m relieved to be done, I’m relieved that I don’t have to worry that if I don’t talk to him for a day he’ll run off with some girl, I’m relieved I don’t have to watch what I say or do because he’ll get angry and leave, I’m relieved that I don’t have to be stressed out 24/7 and devoted myself 100% of the time nonstop to him him him him HIM.
I am done. I am free. I love it.
I’m not the type of person who needs to be in a relationship to be happy. However, in becoming single, I have been asked out by multiple men. I’ve even been hanging out with one too. He surprised me, his behavior shocked me.
He respects me. Let me say that again, I like the way that sounds, He respects me. He respects me without flaw, without question, without trying. Simple as that.
There was even a moment when he kissed me, nothing crazy, just a kiss and I freaked out. I burst into tears, remembering how hard it was before to manage my boundaries, remembering how often I had to say no then minute later my ex would try again, remembering how often I had to move hands then minutes later my ex would try it again, remembering every single time I had to move my hands from where my ex placed them on his own body, remembering when finally it would stop and then a second kiss later on or the next day, the entire process of ‘no’ would start again, over and over and over.
It was a moment of complete terror, out of nowhere, uncontrollable.
I was so embarrassed that I started to cry. Mortified is probably a better description and that doesn’t even cover what I felt. I couldn’t stop crying, my breathing became heavy and panicked. I didn’t want to seem like this overly emotional wreck in front of him. I really liked spending time with him.
Do you know what this guy did? He never missed a beat. He held me, let me cry, told me everything would be ok. As I calmed down, he made jokes to make me laugh, then turned me around to watch the movie. He respected me. He didn’t ask for a reason why, he didn’t ask anything of me, he just cared. He doesn’t have to think about respecting me, he doesn’t get carried away. He just does it. I have never had to ask.
Before, with my ex, when things got too far, when boundaries would be pushed and I would cry, my ex would react the same way. The only difference is, he would try again later, whether it was an hour or two or a day. Nothing mattered to him, especially not me.
Right now, I know a few things for sure:
– I am beyond blessed for my incredible family and friends. There are not words to describe their support and their love and I wouldn’t be able to move on with my life like I have without their strength.
– I am doing amazing things with my nonprofit work. I was just recently certified to become a hospital advocate to work with domestic abuse/sexual assault survivors in hospitals. I’m increasing my involvement in anti-human trafficking efforts and working with Love Letters to Yourself has been an incredibly journey and Jillie is amazing.
– I’ve been hanging out with someone who actually respects me, something I’ve never had a man do before and it feels great. I don’t feel humiliated or dehumanized after seeing him, I don’t loathe myself or my body anymore, at least I’m starting not to loathe my body and I’m starting to forgive myself for the past. I am worth being respected and I love the way that feels.
I don’t know where my life will go, I don’t know what roads will greet me. All I know is that I’m happy. I am happier than I have ever been in at least two years. Life has a weird way of teaching lessons and I am ready to learn them. I am so excited to start brand new, to explore the world I live in. To once again travel and dream, completely uninhibited! I am ready for anything and everything and I couldn’t be happier.