Next!

So as many know my boyfriend just left me.  He had been deported in November and I stuck with him through everything.  I did research, found lawyers, requested his file and supported and loved him with all of my heart.  That was 6 months ago.  He said he loved me and two days later he said he was done because he goes out and meets people and doesn’t want to hurt me.  So basically he left me to get with other women.  I mean I guess it is good he didn’t cheat on me, but it is still a rotten thing to do, especially when he lectured me before he left about me finding someone else & that he would never do that and he wanted me forever.  To add insult to injury, when he had the chance to say it to my face via video chat, he was a coward and choose not to and just talk over chat claiming it would be too hard for both of us, which isn’t true.

I was so heartbroken I didn’t know what to do.  I had loved him so much and stuck with him through his deportation when most women would stay away from that relationship because they couldn’t deal with not knowing when or if he’d return, but I did.  I loved him without end and tried to do everything to make sure we were still connected.  I sent him photos and emailed him literally all day with messages of my life and asking about his, but he kept his new life a secret.  I finally was getting my video chat working on my computer and was looking forward to that and I was going to surprise him with my passport meaning I’d be down to visit soon.  Then he just decides after promising to love me forever that he wants to get with other women.  What’s worse is that he keeps calling it a break.

Anyways, as you can probably tell I am still mad in a way, I guess mostly mad at myself for believing him when there were signs that I questioned before this moment, that I had discussed with friends, but I thought I’d ignore them because maybe he had changed from his past that was littered with arrests & police visits.

I truly feel bad for him, the life he has led and the choices he mad to deal with it have turned him into a very cold, distant, unemotional person, and I feel sorry for him.  How can you love someone or yourself when no one has ever loved you?  Without me, he really has no one to help him get home, his own family isn’t even helping him and that honestly breaks my heart.  Not only that, he was brought over when he was 2 by parents who are legal residents, they just never got him all of his paperwork.  How could you do that to your child?

I’m ok though.  In my past, I have mentioned this before, I have struggled with the addiction of self-harm & eating problems (not out of wanting to lose weight, but just out of the need to control something) and I have not fallen back into those habits.  Not only that, I know I’m a catch and I know that sounds cocky, but I am an educated, passionate, loving young woman who has an amazing future in front of me.  As I said before, there is a very small percentage of women who would stay with a man with such baggage & who was being deported, but I did and no other women who he gets with could do that, even if they say they could, saying and doing are two very different things.

Trust me, I know I have my problems, I am nowhere near perfect at all.  I do have a lot  of things that I need to fix about myself and some of that does stem from my past of self-harm.  That demon keeps popping up, calling my name, but overall I think I am a good person and I do care a lot.  I know that I am a catch and I am worth love.  I loved him with all of my heart and if he wants to drop me for some other girls, that shows the man he is, especially if he can’t even say it to my face and would rather hide behind a computer screen, so really this is his loss not mine.

My friends are amazing people who kept me grounded and helped me through the worst times of this.  He started by saying it was a break then eventually, after a week of leading me on said yea there is another girl, then there wasn’t and I discovered other things he lied about when we were together so with each new truth was a new hurt and a new set of tears, but with each set of tears came a new set of hugs from the amazing people I have in my life and I don’t know what I would do without their support.

In a way, I am glad I hurt too because that means I am capable of loving someone.  I put my entire heart and soul into whatever I do so when I said I loved him, I did, with all of my heart, the purest form of love is what I felt and I know he can’t feel that, which just makes me sad for him.

I am strong and confident and I can jump any hurdle in my life, so I’ll move on and he’ll see what he has lost.  Next!

♥ Meggie

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2 thoughts on “Next!

  1. Oh that’s awful! I’m really sorry he did that to you. Of course you’re a catch, I can tell that simply by the way you write. Don’t ever let someone dictate how you feel about yourself. Easier said than done but you’re a strong person and you’ll get through this, be even stronger and then meet someone who truly deserves you!!!!! xo

    • Thanks so much Caroline! You are so sweet. Yea it was just such a shock, but I know there are only a few women who would sacrifice what I did for any guy and I’m proud of myself for that & know he probably won’t find another like me ever, so his loss. 🙂

      Also, I have some MAJOR catch up to do on your blog that’s for sure! I’ve been just taking a break from everything to think things over and haven’t gotten a chance to read all of your posts, so I will soon!! 🙂

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