What are you supposed to do, what am I supposed to do. Life was perfect, I was doing what I loved, my dreams were coming true. The only awful part was the my boyfriend was deported in November. He was more than a boyfriend he was my soul mate, the love of my life, my future, my strength, everything.
Yesterday out of nowhere he told me he wanted a break. I cried and begged, I sent him messages, I called him and we talked he said he wasn’t going to forget about us, just put us on hold and I don’t know what to do.
I have never experienced pain like this before, I think a gun shot might hurt less than what I’m feeling now. I know if he takes a break he will never come back to me and I can’t be without him, I don’t know what I’ll do. I’m paying for him to come home to me again and I’m so afraid. My world is ending. The hurt I feel I can’t put into words. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I can’t breathe. I have been hurt before, I have lost loved ones, but this is so painful.
I am not the easiest person to deal with, I have a past that is hard to shake. I struggled with self harm and when you meet someone that hasn’t ever been through that, sometimes they see it as something that can easily be stopped, something that you did to yourself so why can’t you just turn it off. It’s not really like that, it’s almost like an addiction for me, when I get upset I get very upset and I just want to turn everything off and that is what self harm does. I don’t do that anymore, but it’s still hard because that urge pops up and it’s hard for him to understand that and I am very emotional and have struggles with my emotions and sadness. I’ve made some bad mistakes with him too that I regret.
He’d tell me I was his everything, his reason to come home and now I have been reduced to a break, something disposable and I don’t know what to do now.