Heartbroken

Update: My boyfriend and I are fine, we just rarely fight and that’s why it’s so upsetting.  We argue as all couples do and we have our own flaws as everyone does.  Together we continue to better ourselves and become a much more cohesive unit where we support each other and grow together, loving each each other without fault.  Thank you to all of you who were so sweet and supportive. ♥

It’s so late right now but I just cannot sleep.  My boyfriend and I just had a massive fight and I honestly don’t know what to do right now.  I’m lost for thoughts I guess you could say, I just don’t know what to do.

We had an argument like normal couples do and it branched of to different topics and then we got on to the subject of his father.  We sometimes think about the future and marriage and children, nothing definite but we talk about it and his father is always one thing that worries me.   He has told me that his father has beaten him and his mother, that is one reason my boyfriend moved out when he was 12.  When he moved back in, he told me he would have to protect his mother from his father.  One time when his father went to physically assault my boyfriend and my boyfriend defended himself, his father call the police and my boyfriend was arrested.  Not only that, when his mother got very ill, so ill she was unable to go to work, his father was nowhere to be seen and my boyfriend had to take care of her and pay bills and do that all on his own.  When I first started dating him, he father didn’t even live with his mom, he would just come to raid the fridge sometime and I saw his father once and I have honestly never been more scared by any human being in my life.  His eyes were so cold and full of hate and rage, I have never seen anything like it before.  It’s also interesting, just a few days before my boyfriend was deported, his father suddenly comes back and give his little sister a puppy and moves back in and wants to make amends.  That is fishy and manipulative if you ask me.

We ended up talking about this and I said I don’t want him as a part of my life and if we have kids he won’t be allowed around them because if he can beat his own children, what’s going to stop him from beating ours?  and my boyfriend was furious!  He called me crazy and said I had mental issues for thinking like this.  Then he tried to compare what his father did to my family.  I have an aunt who has abused prescription meds in the past and literally all she did was sleep, she just slept through her 3 son’s lives.  One of her sons started doing pot, which I know people argue isn’t that bad, but I personally don’t agree with it.  My mom tried to help my aunt, but since nothing worked our family separated from theirs and I refused any contact with my cousin until he was clean, which was 5 years ago.

I did separate myself from my family because I saw the stress and hurt my own mom was feeling and some people you can’t help because they don’t want it.  I was so angry at how that affected my mother.  However, they never willingly tried to hurt someone! They never beat each other or anyone else.  They slept and I  know drug addiction is an awful thing, but most times (obviously unless you are operating vehicles or something like that) you just hurt yourself which is what my family did.  They never did anything physical or violent or verbally abuse to each other or anyone else.

I tried to explain, I tried to say why are you defending the man who beat your mother? Who beat you? Who threw you in jail, his own son!?  He just kept calling me crazy and signed offline and that was the last I heard from him.

I honestly don’t know what to do.  I understand it is his father and people, no matter what their family does, they don’t want to get rid of a family member, especially a mother or father, but I can’t knowingly put my children (if I ever have kids in the future) at risk by having them be around a man like that, not only that, I really don’t want to be around him myself because of how terrifying he was when I first saw him!  He just stood there, glaring at me and said nothing and I have never seen eyes that cold in my life.

The other part of this is why am I to accept a man who beat my boyfriend, a man I love with all of my heart!  It breaks my heart to know that he defends this man, the man who beat him and I don’t understand why, why would you defend someone who treated you like less than human?   My boyfriend is an INCREDIBLE man and never, no matter what he has done, deserves any such treatment and I cannot stand his father, not only for fear of my safety but for the fact that he hurt my boyfriend.

I don’t know what to do, I don’t even know if my boyfriend is ever going to talk to me again.  It’s scary knowing that he defends this though and I know that is because it’s his father, but he has no justification for it.  He just gets furious and calls me crazy or says I have mental issues and that really hurts me.  It’s not like we’re getting married any time in the near future, but the fact is that he almost condones this action of his father and that scares me almost more than his father.  I know he would never hurt me, but his idea of right and wrong is so different from mine because of the way he grew up, it’s concerning with this situation.

I don’t think I’m overreacting with my decision to not involve his father in my life because of his violence.  I just don’t know what to do, I really don’t.

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16 thoughts on “Heartbroken

  1. I understand your feelings but you have to remember that he is still your bf’s father. Of course, he still loves his father despite those physical assaults that he made. He’s hurt by your reactions. Anyway, just let it pass for now. Talk to him when he’s not mad anymore. Keep your fingers crossed that you’ll patch things up. Understanding and communication are the keys for that. I wish you all the best. God bless!

    -Jeannie

    • I know, that is what I’m going to do. It’s not like I’m having kids or getting married in the near future. This is just something scary for me because I feel that I might be at risk and I am angry at his father for hitting my boyfriend who doesn’t deserve that treatment.

      • Also, for your blog, There is an option (I can’t remember where) that creates a button where people can receive email notifications if they want every time you post a blog!! You should def. do that! I love that option since I don’t get on here as much as I like, I can read my favorite blogs right on my email and comment and like them! 😀

      • Oh yeah.. I know that.. I am always posting here.. Feel free to see my other posts. I’ll also follow you. If you wan to contact me, here’s my email: codedjeannie@gmail.com

        I also have Gtalk. Maybe we can chat there if we are both free. Thanks! 🙂

      • Oh ok!! I didn’t see the option on your blog! I’ll look again! Sometimes my work computer acts a bit funny! lol

        I will! I’m not on my gmail often, but that sounds great! 😀

      • Thanks.. can you give me your gmail so I can add you? I won’t be here for long. It’s already late here in the Philippines. I need to sleep soon. Any way, it’s so nice to meet you, Meggie. Take care always! 🙂

        -Jeannie

  2. Oh that’s a tough one….. I think you are definitely in the right. Your kids have to be your priority and you need to protect them at all costs but since you don’t have any yet it’s important to remember that this topic must be incredibly hard for him and it might be good to let him talk it out. This probably doesn’t help very much but it’s definitely a conversation you guys need to keep having.

    • I know, we did talk about it and he doesn’t see his father as a threat anymore, he just sees him as a sad old man. The thing is, and I KNOW this sounds awful, he beat his wife and child, he deserves being a sad old man, that’s how feel, as a woman and as a potential mother. Right now we decided that supervised visits would be considered, but we don’t have kids right now and we can always discuss it later. It so frustrating for me, as a woman fighting for other women’s rights and not understanding why he’d want his dad around his mom now, but we are always able to work things out together which is good.

      Thank you for being so sweet and helpful as always! 🙂 You are just wonderful!

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