Left Behind

As I’ve said before a couple of blogs ago, my boyfriend has been deported.  You can read about that here.  Always feel free to ask questions or comment.  I know I was vague in that post and that is because I didn’t want to post something he didn’t want.  He reads all of my blogs and that is his personal life I’m writing about, not mine.  As a quick note, he only reads the ones that I tell him I post, so I won’t have him read this one since this is just me worrying and that will make sense soon.

So he left on Wednesday and it was just awful waiting for him to send me a message.  I was worried about his flight and him finding his family and then living with family he’s never met aside from when he was 2 or 3 years old.  He finally  messaged me around 8 and we talked for a bit and then he had to go to bed since he was working with his Aunt the next day.  Yesterday we only sent 2 or 3 messages each and he had to go again.

We used to text all day every day and I know that’s a lot and normally I wouldn’t want a relationship with THAT much communication all the time, but since he was leaving we just wanted every single minute together, even if it was just talking via text.  Something like this really teaches you how to appreciate the time you have with someone and how fast that time really goes by.  Now we’ll only message for a very short time in the evenings which is fine.  I don’t mind that.

The thing is, to be perfectly honest, I’m just a mess.  I miss him more than words can say and I know it’s going to get better with time and once he settles in, we’ll probably have some sort of schedule so we can Skype regularly and times we can talk, things like that.  He just seems so happy down there, which I’m really glad because I was hoping he wouldn’t it, but it’s so exciting and new and everything is interesting, and I’m not.  I just miss him so much, knowing that he is so far away and I don’t know when I’ll be able to hold his hand or kiss him or hug him.

I am in Chicago, working, going to school, blogging, working with my Aunt and helping some nonprofits but I’m just boring me and he is in this new, exciting stage of his life with amazing and different people and I’m 2,066 miles away, 35 hours if I took a car, 649 hours if I decided to enjoy the walk. 

Part of me is scared that he won’t want to come home.  That’s not my biggest worry, he did say that Mexico is fun but it’s not home.  The rest of my fear, the majority of my fear, is that he’ll find someone just as new and exciting as his life is now and that someone will be there to share every minute of it while I’m here, in Chicago and I’m completely unsure of when I’ll be able to go down to Mexico.  I have to find a job there before I get my Visa, I have to figure out what to do with my car, which is 4 years old in perfect condition and I have to pay student loans so my family doesn’t feel that pressure and so my sister doesn’t come out of school with more debt that I have.

Not just that but I’m neurotic, compulsive and don’t really like vegetables.  We’re very different and very opposite people and he says that’s why he loves me and he accepts all of my weird quirks without thinking twice about them.  I’m just afraid this new, exciting person will be easier to deal with because of her lack of quirks.

I know he wouldn’t cheat on me, but what if he wants to leave me.  He’s says he’d never do that, but you never know who you will meet and when.  With a life like he has had, I wouldn’t blame him for wanting an easier person to deal with because I know for sure I’m not that easy to be with, I worry all the time about everything and I’ve listed my other quirks.

I know I have a lot to offer someone too though,  I’m not one of these women who are always afraid of her boyfriend running off with every woman who walked within 10 feet of him.  All of my worrying and nagging are because I care and want him to wear his seatbelt or go to the doctor if he gets sick or for him to be careful.  I’m loyal, devoted and my love for him will never end, I’m motivated, hard-working, funny.  I don’t think I’ve ever read so many laws or forms of legislation in my life than I have recently to educate myself on what we need to do to get him home.  All of that time and paperwork I went through was all for him and I’ll do whatever I have to so he can come home legally.

I don’t want to tell him this, he’s having fun and enjoying this part of his life and I don’t want to ruin this since I don’t know when we’ll be able to get him home and I’d much rather have him enjoy it there than hate it.  This is just a worry I have and I worry too much I know.  We don’t even have a rhythm yet to when we talk and he has to settle into his new life, so once he does that, everything could change, but just right now this is my worry.  It just feels like his life is changing and growing into something amazing and bright and busy and I’m being left behind in what his life used to be.

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